Meeting God Where He Is…

MeCryingMy soul is heavy with the burden of mistrust.  How can I possibly trust myself again when I have failed myself so many times before?  I often sit in prayer, as I have this morning, in wonder of why I was given this capacity to love, to hurt, to feel…

Why have I chosen the broken, becoming only successful in breaking myself.


This is your grief.  Your depression, your disappointing childhood.  I have no right to it.  Someone dug a hole in you and you’re no longer whole.  Take back your nasty, dirty imperfections so that I can live my life without the remnants of you on my soul.  I placed my desires into the wrong baskets.  I didn’t see the holes along the bottom…or maybe I fooled myself into believing I was enough to fill them.  My spirit woke me this morning with an undeniable desire to purge.  I had successfully avoided this for so long…avoided this overflow, this pain.  I knew that I was off kilter, but considering all you two put me through, I truly believed myself unscathed…until my world came crashing down this morning.  Every nasty little thing you’d done to me resurfaced.  Every little stupid decision I made trying to get our love to return to its former glory…but then I realized something…you both had sent your representatives.  You were never the men you pretended to be.  You just knew how to keep it up until I was utterly fooled into believing that that’s who you were.

Today I am taking responsibility for allowing my desire to be loved drown out the warning signs.  The tell-tale signs that I ignored in the name of love.  The proof of your aggression…the truth of your lies…the boldness of your bully…the fact that your violence was domestic.Hear My Call

Jill has done it again.  She is singing my soul.  She has no idea that she has ushered me back to God.  My heart is singing without use of my mouth, beating steadily inside of my chest.  I allowed you to feed on me.   To the point where I was no longer me.  I just want to return to the me I use to be.  I have missed her.

I have risen at 5:01 am, beating the sun.  My spirit is still walking in the night before.  My weeping has put in overtime, joy has called in sick this morning.  My life has had snippets of sun and endless midnight.  I have grown very tired of trying to handle this on my own…in the words of Jill Scott…GOD, PLEASE HEAR MY CALL…

I have met someone.  He feels like that life love every little girl longs for.  He seems like that man for me.  This morning, I cried at the thought.  Could I be wrong?  I remember feeling that for both husbands.  My 1st husband when I was 25 and anxious to begin the fairy tale of HMC2a life I knew I deserved.  My second husband when I was 36 and racing the clock to be a mother again…now at 41, here I am again…in love.  But I do not trust me.  To make a sound decision.  To love and be loved fully.  Because I’d been eating loves scraps, I am unsure of love’s full meal.  Is he what I prayed for?  Is he joy disguised in night-time morning?  I am afraid for me.  For the 1st time ever, afraid of love.  Bruised and broken…Lord, I need your healing…


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